Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Goodbye 2010

I leave 2010 with bittersweet contentment.  Last year was so surreal that I it almost feels like it never happened.  Three huge loses of key figure heads in our family, including the most devastating loss of my dad.   An overwhelming, unsatisfying job.  A teetering relationship.  A huge weight of guilt and uncertainty about not being a good enough parent.  Increasing loss of self.  It's enough to make someone go mad.  But I survived.  I am still standing.  I am still strong.  I am still dealing with a few of these lingering emotions, I admit.  I accept that things are as they should be.  I accept that stress is brought upon us by our own ideas of how things should be happening, instead of us accepting the reality of how they actually are.  I leave this year with mended wounds and an open heart. 

Dear 2010,

You will remain a faint memory of lessons learned.  The rest I let go of, like grains of sand floating away from me in the most powerful oceans waves.  We are through. 


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Baby Blessing Ceremony

Needless to say I tend to walk on the unconventional side of things.  I myself am not a very religious person, however I am deeply spiritual and a firm believer in ritual and family traditions.  After much discussion, my other half and I decided it was time to bless our daughter.  With the upcoming 2nd birthday, and a financial crunch, we also decided to make a day of both events.  A baby blessing ceremony followed by a small birthday celebration, just a few close friends and family.  I already had it all planned out in my head.  I tend to build these very elaborate pictures of events in my head (possible career change, perhaps).

I decided on a whimsical garden theme.  To be held in a family members lovely manicured and lush green backyard.  Decorations to include tissue paper flowers, tissue paper puffs to be hung from the patio,  sparkly butterflies for the trellis and trees, lots of tulle and oh yeah, a trellis.  Beautiful pastels, primarily pink and purple with dabs of green, yellow and blue.  Her dress, a whimsical fairy type dress with an illusion style tulle skirt and fitted raw silk top, and hints of pink, perhaps in a pinned flower or ribbon.  A beautiful sermon, presentation of the godmother, baby blessing, followed by a lovely dinner, and cake and an outdoor movie for the handful of little princesses to watch while holding their handmade wands. Oh so perfect!  In my head at least. 

Thus far we have hit the roadblocks of not being able to find an affordable minister that we like.  So again, being unconventional, my sister and I decided to get ordained and officiate the ceremony ourselves.  We drafted a sermon of beautiful, personal, and heartfelt words.  

Second roadblock, finding the perfect dress for my baby.  It's almost impossible to find a reasonable priced one in the style that I'm looking for, but I am determined not to settle until the last minute crunch (now upon us).

The rest is still in the works.  We will have to see how it all turns out...

Friday, August 20, 2010

Simple Moments: Tired, Hungry, and Hot baby

It is the simplest moments in life that make everything all worth it.  At least that's what we are told throughout our lives.  But it for me it wasn't until I became a mom that I really understood it.  I'm talking really, deeply, in my soul and heart understood what that meant.

Having a soon to be two year old, who began her terrible twos a few months back, has been quite a challenge.  Especially when her favorite word is "no".   No, no, no, no, no.  On one usual day I packed up my little warrior and headed out to tackle some errands. The closer it got to snack and nap time, the more the little tiny monster inside her started to creep out.  She gets that from her mommy.  If I'm hungry and sleepy, get out of the way and save yourself dear friends.  She began to get really fussy continously trying to get out of the shopping cart, and telling me "no, momma. bye bye."  Her que for it's time to go now.  I quickly grabbed the last few things and headed for the checkout.  Watching as judging eyes stared at me as if I was such a horrible person for letting my daughter sob. Obviously they weren't all parents, and those that were should be ashamed of themselves for judging. I quickly scanned the crowd looking for that one connection with those motherly eyes offering sincere condolences.  I found one, with three little ones of her own, fighting eachother in the shopping cart.  Ahh, good I wasn't totally alone. It also didn't help that it happened to be over one hundered degrees outside (gotta love the high desert).  I raced to the car with a sleepy, hungry, and hot baby which as we all know equals total meltdown. Sometimes for both child and parent.  Even while munching on her snacks that I pre-packed, she lost it.  Screaming the highest pitch she could possibly reach.  My consoling attempts were useless.  I just had to get through the next 20 minutes, get her home and into a nice cool bed.

I pushed myself through the front door of my house holding four very uncomfortable market bags, a screaming baby with snot dripping all down her face onto me, and all the while I was frustrated, flustered, and sweating like a polar bear in Texas.  (This was one of the many euphemisms I learned during my few years living in none other than, the land of the ever so uniquely strange, Texas.) None the less, I was finally home and in desperate need of a spare set of hands and a cocktail.  Neither were readily available.

After cleaning us both up, and a nice cold cup of milk for baby, we rested our heads on the softest, coolest pillows ever (or at least it felt like it at the moment).  Finally, calmed she turned ever to me and ever so softly said "I la yuuu momma." Shortly followed by a big smile and, "I did poopy."  We both simultaneously broke out into a giddy laugh and my heart smiled so big and hugged this memory tight.  The rest of the days events didn't matter one bit.